the Cullen diaries
by craponacrutch
Summary: a series of diaries entry's by the Cullen's Jacob and Seth. Please read and review. Please laugh. This is suppose to be funny. keep bein awsum
1. Chapter 1

I do not own these characters

Dear diary.

guess what I saw. Emmett and Jacob are going to break Esme glass wall and she's going to give

them the best punishment ever. I haven't seen what punishment but Esme loves her glass wall so

much she cleans it 3 times a day. Wait getting a vision. LOL. She's going to hide Emmett's left

Leg and she's going to take Jake to the vet to be neutered. . Now I'm going to call Jake

dickless. LOL. I'm going to go tie Bella up and take her shopping BYE.

ALICE!!!!


	2. bella

I don't own these characters.

Dear Diary,

Esme has gone crazy and has decided to cut off jakes balls. I know he

broke her glass wall but geeze. I guess now Renesmee won't wanna touch

him now. I gotta thank Esme. Edward and I nearly broke the cottage last

Night if you know what I mean*Wink*wink*. I think Charlies starting to

suspect something. He keeps looking at us with creepy eyes. Haa. Nes.. i

mean Renesmee is growing up so fast*Sniff*Sniff*She not little anymore

and doesn't need us to help her hunt. If I could cry i would. Oh and I

let Em babysit and you'll never believe what he let her watch. Girls of

the playboy mansion. I gotta thank Esme for hiding his leg as well. Esme's

really smart.

Ohh. Gotta go,

Bella


	3. emmett

I don't own these characters.

Dear fluffy

It's soooo not fair. Jake and I were wrestling and we accidently broke Esme wall and now she hid

my left leg. I've been walking like a pirate with a peg leg all day. Alice bought me an eye patch

and a fake parrot. Though that's not as bad as Jake he's getting his Balls chopped off. Edwards

really happy and I don't know why. Now everyone's teasing me that stupid is my middle name.

Jasper actually went to the courty place and got my middle name changed to stupid and whenever I

got to tackle him for doing it he makes me go feel dumb or Be in love with Carlisle that

was just creepy. I'm going to go eat gummy bears.

Bye Fluffy,

LOVE Emmett


	4. edward

I don't own these characters.

dear journal,

that mutts getting his nuts sliced off. God I love Esme. but in a motherly

way. Not like Carlisle. She also hid Emmett's leg so now he's hobbling

like a retarded pirate. He's actually wearing the eye patch and fake

parrot. Although I think Alice glued them on. Still funny though. Nutless

is thinking how he and Renesmee are going to you know. I'm going to go

set Him Straight.

Edward.


	5. jacob

I don't own these characters.

Dear book.

Today I made Emmett and Carlisle wanna go make out. LOL. but now Em's

sulking and Esme sent me to my room for picking on him. But I snuck out

the window. And then Esme caught me again so now I'm grounded but screw

that I'm going hunting. Fuck the rules.

Jasper.


	6. esme

I don't own these characters.

Dear Diary,

I'm soooo angry. Em and Jacob broke my Glass wall. Now I've got nothing

to clean. I'm going to get Jacob neutered as his punishment and I stole

Em's left leg and hid it somewhere only I know about. The cleaning

closest. Nobody except me knows it exist. They'll never find it in there.

MWAHUHUHUH! OOOOOH. You'll never believe it. There's this new nurse at

the hospital and she's really really obsessed with

Carlisle. She put a pair of her own underpants in Carlisle bag and I

found them. I sorta thought that well you know. Those two got a bit

intimate and um started throwing things at Carlisle. My mistake. But I

made it up to him. And Ness walked in while I was making it up to him

and she's been asking what we were doing ever since. Tomorrows Wednesday.

Hmmm. I usually go in and have 'LUNCH' with Carlisle (We have um make out

in the supply closet.) I'll set the new nurse straight. Apparently

she's been stalking him. My poor Carlisle to afraid to come out of the

house afraid she'll jump on him. Again. There's a rumour going around that

I'm screwing one of Carlisle colleagues. Every parent in Forks is

talking about it.*Rolling eyes.* *SMASH." NOT MY WINDOW

Esme.


	7. carlisle

I don't own these characters.

Dear journal,

The new nurse is seriously scaring me. She put underpants in my bag.

Esme chucked a fit when she found them. But she made it up to me. And

unfortunately Ness found us. Now Bella and Edward say we're the ones that

have to teach her about sex. I mean we were just lying there. being

intimate. When suddenly we hear."GRANPA WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO

GRANDMA!!!!!"and she runs off screaming. Back to the incredibly scary

nurse. I think she's going to leave me alone now. Esme was coming in for

'LUNCH'. She sat in the waiting room. The new nurse Ashleigh asked her

who she was here to see. Rebecca the front desk just looked at Ashleigh

stupidly. I was standing around the corner just watching. Esme replied.

"."

"Why?"Ashleigh asked checking my schedule which she had stolen and copied.

"Personal."Esme said.

"So you know doctor Cullen?"Ashleigh asked.

"Yes. Do you?"Esme asked sweetly.

"Well of course. We're soul mates."Ashleigh gushed. Esme laughed my favorite sweet giggle.

"What's so funny?"Ashleigh said raising her eyebrow.

"Ashleigh."Rebecca tried saying.

"Shh Rebecca."Ashleigh said turning and shooting Rebecca a look. She turned back.

"You think you You are Carlisle soul mate?"Esme said laughing even harder.

"Well DA! We're perfect for each other. I reckon he'd like me more then you."

"Is that so?"Esme said sort of annoyed.

"Yes."Ashleigh said very annoyed.

"Why's that?"Esme asked

"Well .I'm blonde. Like him. I've got beautiful blue eyes. I'm skinny unlike you."Esme mouth dropped open and her eyes narrowed.

"ASHLEIGH" Rebecca said. Rebecca knew who Esme was.

"I'm 100% real. Unlike you. You look plastic."She said. Esme glared and silently growled.

"Well. I'm not plastic. You're not that skinny. And Carlisle likes curves. Your obviously wearing a push up bra and you still don't have any tits and your ass is microscopic. Carlisle likes curves, Tits and a big ass." Esme said glaring with a glare ice cold.

"Well your tits are sooo fake."Ashleigh said returning a glare.

"I got no scars. Wanna see." Esme said intimidating

"Yes. Yes I do."I said I was walking to Esme's side. Everyone's eyes

turned to me. I wrapped my arms around Esme and kissed her I let my arm

drop to Esme's ass. I slapped it. She giggled and I kissed her nose.

"Ashleigh. I see you met my wife Esme."I said. I saw Esme poke out her tongue

"Don't poke that tongue out unless your intending to use it Mrs. Cullen."I said grabbing her ass. Ashleigh was just about crying

"You. you. you. Are married."Ashleigh said. Her eyes were teary.

"Why yes. And very happily."I said smiling at Esme.

"Rebecca. Assliegh."Esme said. I sorta laughed .Assleigh.

"Rebecca. Ashleigh."I said Turing with my arm still around Esme. God I love Esme. Ashliegh has left me alone and also fallen into depression.

OOH My shift starts in 5 minutes.

BYE CArlisle


	8. ness

I don't own these characters.

Dear diary,

Grandma's gone weird. She going to neuter Jacob whatever that means. I

keep asking daddy but he says he won't tell me till I'm older. He won't

tell me what grandma and grandpa were doing that time I walked in on

them either .It's not fair. Jacob and uncle Em accidently broke Grandmas

favorite thing about her house. Her glass wall and she got so mad

Grandpa had to hold her back from hurting my Jake and Uncle Em. Claire

invited me to her party. It's going to be soooo fun. It's a sleep over.

She can only invite 1 person and she chose me. Jake and Quill are going

to sneak in though. She knows about werewolf's and vampires and half-breeds

now. She says I'm her best friend and then quill said "what am I?" and she

said "Don't worry silly. When we gets all grown up I'm gonna wedding

you!"So I'll be her bridesmaid and She'll be mine. It'll be sooo fun. And

she really likes coming over. Sooo we're gonna have sooo many parties.

Oh I'm hungry I'm going hunting.

bye. Nessie


	9. jasper

I don't own these characters.

Dear book.

Today I made Emmett and Carlisle wanna go make out. LOL. but now Em's

sulking and Esme sent me to my room for picking on him. But I snuck out

the window. And then Esme caught me again so now I'm grounded but screw

that I'm going hunting. Fuck the rules.

Jasper.


	10. rose

I don't own these characters.

dear diary

Esme finally cutting of that oversize kittens balls. I hope every time he

turns into a fleabag that he others pay him out. He's such a stupid

mongrel. Renesmee is getting sooo big. Not fat but older. Carlisle says

soon she's going to slow down. She's not little anymore. HAAA. I want a

baby. I hope it looks like me. It hopes it looks like me since I'm the

most beautiful person in the world. Do you know what the mongrel did. He

went and broke every mirror in the house so I can't look at myself.

Fuckin dog. He should go hump someone's leg. I still want a baby. Where's

Em? he's probably sitting down cause he looks stupid when he walks. I

wish Esme would give him back his leg already .She says not until she

gets a new wall. Carlisle probably already got one up. does look

sexy with his eye patch. That gives me an idea.

Bye,

the most beautiful person Ever,

Rosalie


	11. seth

I don't own these characters.

Dear Squiggles,

Today Jakes suppose to get his nuts cut off. Esme keeps asking where he

is."Hiding "I keep saying. His appointments at the vets really soon. She

ended up finding him. He was hiding under the table. She bent over to

pick him up or chase him outta there or something and I sorta stared at

her ass. I can't help it. Beautiful woman. Teenage boy. Then I sorta

started undressing her with my eyes and Edward started chasing me a

round the house yelling "THATS MY MOM YOU PERV".OH SHIT.I hope he doesn't

tell Carlisle. He ended up catching me and well let's just say I'm lucky

I didn't get neutered as well. Leah's chucking a spaz cause Sam and Em's

weddings only a while away. She really depressed. She hates Phasing cause

Sams always thinking about the wedding but she gets so angry she can't

help it. She phased in the house and destroyed like her and my room.

It's so gay. Now I don't have anywhere to sleep. GREAT FUCKING JOB LEAH!!

Apparently Emmett got his leg back. Carlisle bought Esme a new wall. She

still refuses to tell anyone where she hid it but meh. Jasper and Emmett

are playing guitar hero and it's so funny cause Emmett swung the guitar

above his head and the fan shredded it. Now Esme's really pissed cause

they broke her fan. HA HA Emmett!!

Must fly. Wolf stuff.

Seth


	12. in the end

in the end Esme got a new fan that Carlisle payed for.

Alice successfully kidnapped Bella.

Seth got a new room.

Rose and Em had weird pirate role-play but still don't have a baby.

The creepy nurse is still had depression and has joined the Carlisle

Cullen fan site(There is one for each Cullen. Except Jake .Because he sucks!!!.)

Renesmee and Claire had fun at a fairy princess inspired party.(Quill and

Jake got caught and Edward had a very serious talk/ass whooping to Jacob)

Carlisle did not find out that Seth undressed Esme with his eyes or stared

at her huge ass.

Bella is still trying to cry over Nessies aging and it still isn't working.

Edward kicked Jakes ass and thanked Esme.

Oh and Esme didn't neuter Jacob. She took pity on the fact that the only

reason that he is a man is because he has balls!!!!I mean c'mon. He snuck

into a fairy princess party intentionally. He is either a pervert or gay.(No offence guys who like to dress up as fairies or gay people


End file.
